Friends with benefits: how to make it work
What does friends with benefits mean?
You might be familiar with the term “friends with benefits” (FWB), but what is it, really, and is it for you? Indeed, this type of no-strings-attached relationship can be great for some people, but an absolute nightmare for others.
A friends with benefits (FWB) relationship is when two friends mutually agree on having a sexual relationship with no strings attached.
There is no romantic relationship, meaning there is no commitment, no obligations, nor expectations as a couple. It’s just about two people who get along well and add sex to the equation.
Make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to do it
Before you even think about a FWB relationship, you need to make sure you are emotionally mature enough for one. You need to be in a good place emotionally, and not use this type of relationship to fill a void that simply can’t be filled by it.
Consider whether you can actually handle a strictly casual relationship. Is this really what you want? It’s absolutely fine if it’s not for you, and if it is, that’s fine too! It’s just important that you’re honest with yourself.
Don’t start a FWB relationship with a person you have feelings for
It might sound tempting to keep it casual at first, but this is not a FWB relationship. Having feelings for the person will render this type of relationship completely obsolete. Doing so in hopes of a romantic relationship will only end with a broken heart.
The whole FWB concept is to not get emotionally attached to the person. If you already have feelings for someone, by adding sex to the mix it will only exacerbate your emotional attachment to that person.
Choose your partner carefully
Sure, you must be physically attracted to the person you intend to sleep with, but there are also other things to consider. One of the most important ones is communication.
Find someone who you can communicate with effortlessly, and, above all, someone you can trust. Both of you should be on the same page and respect each other, communicating clearly and remaining honest with one another.
Remember, you’re not a couple
So don’t act like one. Don’t be all lovey dovey, cuddling, kissing, and holding hands.
Oh, and don’t go on dates. That’s definitely not part of the deal in a FWB relationship.
“For ‘friends with benefits’ to work, you need to know how to keep a lid on your emotions without coming across as totally heartless,” says sex therapist Diana Parkinson.
Keep your emotions in check
“For ‘friends with benefits’ to work, you need to know how to keep a lid on your emotions without coming across as totally heartless,” says sex therapist Diana Parkinson.
Avoid sleepovers
You should definitely avoid having sleepovers with your sex buddy. Sleeping together is quite an intimate experience, you should avoid moving in that direction.
Be honest about your sex life to ensure safety
It’s likely that both you and your friend are having sex with other people. As such, it’s important to do so safely and know your FWB is doing the same. This includes being open about any potential STIs.
Set your expectations
While it seems easy on paper, it’s quite hard to keep things uncomplicated between two people who are sharing the bed sometimes. You and your FWB have expectations about this type of relationship, so it’s really important to spell them out. You should know what you and the other person expects from it.
Keep your expectations low
Having said that, remember that this is a FWB relationship, not a typical monogamous romantic relationship, so don’t get your hopes up too high. Sex might be great at the beginning, but even that might start to cool down over time.
Discuss the duration
Remember, you don’t want to become emotionally invested in this person, so expecting a birthday present or a card on Valentine’s Day is not realistic.It might be a good idea to agree on the duration of your FWB relationship and/or what will dictate the end of it. Will you call it quits when one of you gets into a committed relationship? Is this just a summer fling? It’s always good to discuss these things.
Know your boundaries
It’s really important to establish boundaries early on in your relationship, and to continue to enforce them.
If, for instance, you share the same social circle, are you okay with your mutual friends knowing you’re sleeping with each other? Who (if anyone) can know about you two? These things should definitely be discussed if you want to make a FWB relationship work.
Don’t forget about the “friends” in FWB
Sure, you want to have fun with someone you feel comfortable and safe with, and a friend is a great choice. But it’s also important to keep things fun and light outside the bedroom. You should be able to maintain your friendship, regardless of whether or not you’re sharing a bed.
Check in from time to time
Communication doesn’t come naturally for everyone. So, like a team meeting, you should check in from time to time and assess your relationship and discuss anything you would like to change in your dynamic.
This is not just to discuss the things you don’t like, but also those things you do like, as well as new things you’d like to try.
And, of course, your relationship may change, and this definitely needs to be discussed. “If at some point you’re enjoying yourself too much and want to spend more time with your FWB, then it may be time to reevaluate the situation,” says relationship coach Ellin Bolin.
Don’t be jealous
Jealousy can really break a FWB relationship. Remember, you are not an exclusive, monogamous couple.
You’re both probably meeting, dating, and having sex with other people. If you’re not okay with this, then this relationship dynamic is probably not for you.
“If you find yourself getting jealous, be honest and tell your FWB partner, and the two of you can talk about whether the FWB relationship is truly working for both of you,” explains clinical psychologist Seth Meyers.
Keep dating
You should keep dating other people. Especially if you’re looking for a relationship in the future. Remember, your FWB is probably doing the same.
Dating while you’re having your sexual needs met by a FWB can actually help you focus on other aspects of a person.
Remember why you started
FWB is about having sex and having fun with no strings attached. It’s important to remember why you got into this type of relationship in the first place to avoid getting steered away in a different direction.
